Uncle Ben can suck my balls.

Lunchtimes at work are a tricky thing. It obviously all depends on where you work as to how good your dining experience is going to be - if you've got a canteen you're pretty much sorted, if you have a break room with a large kitchen you're also alright as you can whip something up pretty easily. if, like me, you have a microwave and a desk to rely on you need to get more creative.

At my last job I was in the centre of a large town, with a Subwee and KFC within spitting distance which is good news for Fat Friday, but bad news for my rapidly expanding waistline. Subwee was usually the caterer of choice for me and my colleagues. In fact one girl would get a foot long chicken and bacon with mayo - hold the salad - and extra cheese pretty much every day. If she was on a diet she would get the same order, MINUS the extra cheese. So still a foot of bread, then. Genius. I'd always get a turkey breast and ham, cos I'm right healthy, like. Rather cleverly, she would also, on 'diet days', go to Greggs and get a big ham and cheese baguette and come back and microwave it, "so I can pretend it's a Subway." Just get a fucking Subway love, you're eating the same amount of calories. But anyway, that was then, this is now. And I am typing this from my desk, where I have just - for the fourth time this week - delved into my drawer and reluctantly pulled out some Uncle Ben's rice. I was actually going to treat myself today, and I bought £2 along in my pocket and was going to nip down to Sainsburys and get some chicken to supplement it, but of course it's pissing it down and the chance of me actually getting off my fat arse and leaving the office is about the same as the Daily Mail writing a clear concise and well informed piece about single mothers. Ie;- nil.

Uncle Ben's rice is the single most depressing thing to have happened to me this year. It is bland and inane, each piece of rice taunting me with its crap coating of 'mexican spice' which is about as spicy as the contents of my Nan's knicker drawer. I'm so bored of eating it that if I were ever to actually be in the same room as anyone who works for them I would happily punch them in the face. I am sitting here thinking up inventive ways of using said rice to actually kill the people who make it, which is neither healthy nor particularly sane, so I have sent off good old Pete in Telesales to nip down the road and get me some of Sainsbury's rip off of Percy Pigs- 'Eric the Elephants' which should hopefully bring me out of my rice-induced rage and restore all balance in the world. Wish me luck.